‘I’m not the mother I wanted to be’: Understanding the increased responsibility, decreased control, and double level of intentionality, experienced by abused mothers

A paucity of research has been conducted within South Africa on abused women’s experiences of motherhood, even though abused women tend to be at increased risk of negative physical and mental health difficulties, which can interfere with their ability to take care of themselves and their children. The aim of this qualitative study was to explore women’s experiences of mothering in the context of an abusive relationship. Data was collected via individual, telephonic, semi-structured, in-depth interviews with 16 mothers from three South African provinces, and analyzed according to the principles of grounded theory. Our findings highlight the mothers’ experiences of: a simultaneous increased sense of responsibility with regards to their children and a loss of control over their mothering; as well as experiencing abuse aimed at either the mother or the child, which is simultaneously meant to affect the other; and lastly, mothers’ assessing themselves negatively through normative paradigms of ‘good mothering’, regardless that they often mother in the best way they know how to, given challenging circumstances. Therefore, this study highlights that the motherhood institution continues to create ‘good mothering’ benchmarks against which women themselves evaluate their mothering, often leading to feelings of inadequacy. Our findings also emphasize that the environment created by men’s abuse is in conflict with the great expectations placed upon mothers in abusive relationships. Thus, mothers may experience huge pressure, which may lead to feelings of failure, self-blame, and guilt. This study has demonstrated that the abuse mothers’ encounter adversely impacted on their mothering. We therefore emphasize the need to better understand how mothering is influenced by and responsive to violence. This is important as understanding abused women’s experiences can assist us to further develop appropriate support mechanisms needed to ensure minimal impact on both women and their children.